I think you should add punctuation to this--I get that you want it to have a lyrical flow (or at least that's what I presume you wanted) but using punctuation can really help emphasis and bring attention to lines that you want to be focused on.

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<sub>conorschild: overusing commas since '73 seconds ago

~thingsareprettyokay

#getLIT for people who think writing is just tops</sub>

Do you have any suggestions?

--
~Where art thou, Muse, that thou forget'st so long
O truant Muse, what shall be thy amends~ 'Robert Shakespeare'

:TheAssociation:

I dunno, there's places where I naturally pause but I'd hate to put my own emphasis on another's person's poem. If you made a start on it, I could maybe give help from there?

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<sub>conorschild: overusing commas since '73 seconds ago

~thingsareprettyokay

#getLIT for people who think writing is just tops</sub>

Headtstart made.

--
~Where art thou, Muse, that thou forget'st so long
O truant Muse, what shall be thy amends~ 'Robert Shakespeare'

:TheAssociation:

I found something else that might help:
[link]

It's a few poems by deviants that `smoking-mirrors read out.

'Cabernet Sauvignon' is by ~caveatLECTOR -- I thought if you read [link] and listened to it, you'll get a better idea of how poetry is read--notice how there isn't a pause at the end of lines, or in between stanzas.

This is especially important because during the last three stanzas of your poem you don't have a single full-stop! It's one massive sentence--you don't have to be as strict with punctuation as in prose, but it's needed.

I definitely think you should have a full-stop after and the sweetness of honeysuckle on our lips--it's a really lovely image but reading it, I rush right past it.

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<sub>conorschild: overusing commas since '73 seconds ago

~thingsareprettyokay

#getLIT for people who think writing is just tops</sub>

There we go. <3

--
~Where art thou, Muse, that thou forget'st so long
O truant Muse, what shall be thy amends~ 'Robert Shakespeare'

:TheAssociation:

Where's this audio file then?

Okay I'll go over it verse by verse and say where I think you should have punctuation, and why--that way, if you disagree with why then you can ignore me I don't want to impose myself onto your work, so feel free to ignore something if you really think I haven't 'got' what you're saying.

_{i dream of us
getting lost
in the field overgrown with wildflowers.
each a brilliant, shining, golden gleam
that reflected off your eyes-
and made me think of endless skies,
and the touch of your lips to mine}

With that em dash at by 'eyes,' it's wrong. Em dash's are meant to be used as either a parentheses (erm...these things, to create an aside to the main thought of the sentence) or a colon: the introduction of an explanation, consequence, description, or apposition.

That last sentence used both correctly, I hope

My point is, though, that the following two lines aren't a parenthetical remark, or introducing anything--rather, they're a logical continuation of the sentence, into the next stanza.

However, I agree that there should be a pause there. So this was a long-winded way of saying replace that dash with a semi-colon, and change the 'and' in the next line with 'that.'

_{a never ending dream,
the fractured fairytale of us
that got us lost in each-others arms for hours
until all our breath was each others names,
and the wistless wind
carried them for miles and miles.}

Okay, the first thing is in relation to the last stanza. If we removed the line breaks then you have:

_{made me think of endless skies, and the touch of your lips to mine a never ending dream, the fractured fairytale of us that got us lost in each-others arms for hours until all our breath was each others names, and the wistless wind carried them for miles and miles.}

which I'll think you'll agree, doesn't make much sense.

Now, what are you trying to say? Are you saying that made me think of endless skies, and the touch of your lips to mine is a never-ending dream? In that case, you'd need a colon there.

Or are you saying it made you think of a never-ending dream? In that case, you'd need a comma there.


Actually, anything else I say is probably gonna depend on that, so I'll leave you with [link] and wait for your reply.

I hope this helps

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<sub>conorschild: overusing commas since '73 seconds ago

~thingsareprettyokay

#getLIT for people who think writing is just tops</sub>

I think you might be over analyzing it. xD I've uploaded the audio file to rapidshare so you can listen. [link] (I don't think I've ever encountered a problem like this before).

You have been very helpful though thank you.

--
~Where art thou, Muse, that thou forget'st so long
O truant Muse, what shall be thy amends~ 'Robert Shakespeare'

:TheAssociation:

It's no worries, I think this poem has real potential. I'm just...putting some make-up on it before it gets shoved out into the world

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<sub>conorschild: overusing commas since '73 seconds ago

~thingsareprettyokay

#getLIT for people who think writing is just tops</sub>

your voice is so quiet!

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<sub>conorschild: overusing commas since '73 seconds ago

~thingsareprettyokay

#getLIT for people who think writing is just tops</sub>